January Hymn
I know, I know, it’s hardly even September yet, and probably in a few weeks I won’t understand what prompted me to feel this way, and I’ll be longing again for coolness and clouds, and, if we’re perfectly honest it isn’t even that cold now, just sort of wet and mild, but still a change from how it’s been.
Something about weather changes really messes with my moods. Makes me want to change my life, go somewhere else, slip back into my past. I think it’s mostly nights like this– damp, crisp, crickets and distant cars, all sounds somehow magnified by the moisture–that make me miss the northeast, staying out till late, running around in a small town, calling each other to sit in silence on the other end, just listening to the air outside and knowing that even though we are blocks apart, we are sharing that. We are together. And it’s warmer than this.
And then, it feels like this at night, and I’m at home, and even if we’re on the phone, the sounds are different. And we’re not talking, and we’re not together. And I can almost feel the distance across the phone and everything that I want to say but I am too scared. Since you won’t know what to say in response. And I’m always scared that I felt everything more deeply than you, so I tried so hard not to feel even anything at all.
Which just made it worse.
On a winter’s Sunday I go
To clear away the snow
And green the ground below
April all an ocean away
Is this the better way to spend the day?
Keeping the winter at bay
What were the words I meant to say before you left?
When I could see your breath lead
Where you were going to
Maybe I should just let it be
And maybe it will all come back to me
Sing oh, January, oh
How I lived a childhood in snow
And all my teens in tow
Stuffed in strata of clothes
Pale the winter days after dark
Wandering the gray memorial park
A fleeting beating of hearts
What were the words I meant to say before she left?
When I could see her breath lead
Where she was going to
Maybe I should just let it be
And maybe it will all come back to me
Sing oh, Janu, oh January, oh
