Eh.

I cried two times today. It didn’t feel good. It smells like rain outside, it made me nostalgic, Eponine,

“and now i’m all alone again, nowhere to turn no one to go to,
without a home without a friend, without a face to say hello to,
but now the night is near; now i can make believe he’s here…

…in the rain, the pavement shines like silver,
all the lights are misty in the river,
in the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
and all i see is him and me forever and forever….”

i was listening to the postal service, and i was suddenly in fall, in the car, in the bushes at john’s house with ben and jake and all the others that i couldn’t see or didn’t notice, i was on the swings, looking at the stars, i was in the front seat of my car, outside ben’s house, talking, listening, i was outside of the car, looking at him, close.

i feel so isolated right now, i think that’s why things are getting to me. i’m almost out, about to be leaving everything behind, no longer really a part of anything around here. i’ll leave, things will go on, i may be missed, but i will soon just fade out, the new ones will fade in, and things will be as they always were. i don’t fully fit into the new life, yet either. i don’t know the first thing about college, and i’m not even thinking about it yet, honestly. i have never worked on a regular basis before, i’m not going to be doing something i’m particularly good at. i don’t know how things stand for me visiting new york, there are so many logistics to that, and i hate to put the burden of myself on people. i don’t know what to expect, how i’ll take seeing everyone, as an outsider, one who is no longer one of us. this summer i am going to not be one of anyone. not in college, not in high school, not even in shakespeare.

i’m terrified for a lot more about the summer too, but those thoughts still need to sift out in my brain a little more, so that i am sure i’m saying what i mean when i finally do say them. otherwise everything will be coming out all wrong, i know it.

i suppose i just need reassurance. it’s an internal thing, so no matter what anyone tells me, it won’t help. so don’t bother. i’ll figure it out by myself. i don’t know, there’s a fine line between taking initiative and nagging. no doubt i cross that line.

again, please don’t take me too seriously. this is a temporary mood, it always is, and i know i’ll feel better soon.

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~ by kiranapoleon on May 24, 2005.

One Response to “Eh.”

  1. I’m telling you, this is what bad emo does to you! Listen to “Liquor for Blood” followed by “A Song to Pass the Time” (both by Bright Eyes), and things will look up!

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